Dear Miss Ellie,

My in-laws just celebrated 40 years of marriage. I feel like 40 years of marriage is a huge deal and should be celebrated. My husband came to me and said he would like to have a small party for his parents to celebrate them, and I encouraged him.

My husband is a great guy, a real trooper, and while I support my husband in all things, my mother-in-law has not been kind to me. She jabs me on every encounter, points out her son could have done better than me, and if she didn't criticize me at every turn, I would come to believe hell had frozen over.

Throwing her a party, even small, makes my stomach hurt and is a waste of hard-earned money.

I want to tell my husband he is on his own with this venture, but I would be letting him down. I don't know what to do.

- From Disrespected Daughter-In-Law in Murfreesboro

Dear Disrespected,

If your husband loves and respects you as much you lead me to believe, and he is such a great guy, sit down and talk with him about your concerns. Talk with him and let it all out. Is he aware of the way his mother treats you? Listen to what he has to say and come up with a plan, not just for the gathering but for your future.

Sometimes in marriage we all have to do things with or regarding family members no one wants to do. This is part of marriage. Part of me wants to tell you, heck no, you don't throw a party for someone who is mean to you, the other part of me wants to say that this is part of being a good partner. Please know I empathize with you.

On the short list, you need to have a plan for this party, and, yes, you do need to smile and help your husband. Keep it short and the guest list small. Go to a small restaurant, as few people act out in public. Or, have a small cocktail party to celebrate, this should last about an hour, then you are done. If she is critical, then it is one hour out of your life, and a small give to make your husband happy. Your husband will appreciate your hard work, and you are doing this for him after all.

On the long list however, your husband needs to take the lead on dealing with his mother's disrespectfulness. Be very clear to your husband that this behavior is upsetting you. He should take the matter as serious as you do, so be very clear. Also make it clear it is his responsibility to deal with his mother, not yours. Your husband needs to set his mother on the path of being kind and respectful to his wife, and not take any excuses. He needs to tell his mother this is not allowed, and he needs to set boundaries, period.

While his mother does sound disrespectful, this is common for mothers-in-law. Why? I have never understood. Many are very kind, but just as many slip in that backhanded comment in whenever possible, just to get in the last word. I don't get why they do, but they do.

Respectfully, Ellie

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